Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Sitting on the edge of my bed eating dinner. Yupp, in my room. On my bed.

Still in work clothes. It's only 10:12 as I write this to you.

Today was a productive day. Work was slow and boring. Just the way I like it. I am finishing up re-drawing Lockheed Martin drawings and doing some 3D modeling. I am now putting together those little pieces to make a big picture model. I hope it all works or else I will be VERY pissed. So anyways.

Dinner with Brian tomorrow at my house for a change ;) I am making a pot roast in the crock pot. And spinach. Yumm!
I forgot to get an onion, so I sprinkled minced onions on the bottom instead of sliced white onions. Oh well?
I followed the rest of the recipe.

Did you know that this is my first time making a roast? It is. I am nervous. Very nervous. Especially since BriN is coming over for dinner. I hate feeling inadequate.

I don't even really know what this man wants from me - from "us".... He doesn't share any of that with me. 8 months in a couple weeks. I know what I want, but what about HIM?! How do I ask this without sounding like I am putting pressure on him? The answer is don't say anything at all. That was tonight's message at Bible Study. The best and only answer is not to say anything at all. THAT IS NOT EASY FOR ME!
I mentioned that. I mentioned waiting is hard. Of course, we were not talking about me. Or relationships. I was saying that waiting - period - was difficult. We were talking about Samuel waiting for Lord's call. For him to ask for him. Samuel replies that he is indeed ready, he is a servant waiting to serve. And God told him to wait. Wait. Just wait. Lots of waiting for God to bring punishment to the house of Eli. Just wait for this to happen. YIKES!

I'm not good with waiting for anything. I can be impatient. I can be pushy. I am a pusher. And I want to know what Brian wants. I want him to TALK to me.

I have gone through the "starter wife" BS twice already. I am not ready to go through it again. He has me involved with planning his house. And I feel pulled in two opposite directions. I've been here before. I've been involved and shit and then left naked, hungry, and cold in the cold rain on a curb.
Not literally, dummy.
I am scared! Scared of getting myself attached to something that will never be mine!! Partly mine! No, I will not help him pay for this.

I just want him to tell me he wants me forever. It does not mean an engagement. It is just sharing feelings, dreams, hopes. I shared mine. I told him mine. I want him to trust me enough with his own dreams, fears, hopes and visions.
I know he wants kids. He is not a dog guy. I'm OK with that. He wants to have an active lifestyle - we are active. And he wants a healthy lifestyle. But where do I fit in there?! Does he want ME by his side in this adventure. I don't know.

Obviously, I am here. We are still together. We are HAPPY! Maybe that is what scares me, though. We are happy. Truly happy and not that fake happy I see among my family and friends.

This is the happiest I have ever been in a relationship.

The starter husbands obviously suck ass because they couldn't see how awesome I am. Hahahaha.

I love Brian. Just want some opening up to happen. But, patience is key. Shut up and listen, Melody. He is talking, but you aren't listening. you're a crazy woman who is turning more and more into that person you do NOT want to be.

Dinner tonight was ground beef with salsa and hot sauce. And some cheese. Always cheese.

Looking forward to this delicious red meat fest that will be happening in my mouth tomorrow. And the snuggles. That will be awesome too.

Thanks for listening to the crazy vent.


Minced Onion and salt at the bottom of the crock pot...

I have paprika, chili powder, black pepper and salt all over my roast.

And then in the crock pot. Btw, that sea salt is amazing. Friggen delicious. Go buy some.

Lots of love, Mel

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